One thing you CANNOT wait for?
August.

August(n.), pronounced, ruh-leaf-
a period of time during which life should revert to normal. Unsuspecting fathers will be discharged from the hospital, younger daughters will move back where they belong, older daughters will go to college, school will begin, happiness may have a chance of regaining lost ground.

Hopefully.

Who's to say, honestly? Everything has gone wrong up until now, so why not continue to do so?

"No, Jes, you can't think like that."

Will thinking differently really do anything? If there's an obvious pattern forming, can willing the pattern to break actually do anything? Wouldn't getting your spirits up only mean the fall to be that much harder?

Everywhere I turn, even amongst my friends in situations that have no relevance to my father, I am faced with lose-lose decisions. I can make these decisions based on a gathering of knowledge like, which is more imperative, which will hurt less people, morals-- but in the end, someone is always getting hurt. Not just me, but someone else. So in the end, at least two people are always getting hurt.

Going back through old blogs, I can only find how much I've whined about life. I think back and it wasn't that bad, but I don't remember being particularly happy at any point in the past couple of years... but I could just be biased in some way or another. I don't know. I mean, I wasn't depressed the entire time... but not happy. I can't think back like, yeah, that was a good point in my life. Not since... high school began.

What happened right before high school began... was the death of my friend. Suicide. Someone I did look up to. Could it have affected me that much without my realizing? Is it just coincidental?

My birthday is in a couple of days. I don't even want to celebrate because there's a rift in my friends that's only getting deeper, and both sides are too selfish to do anything about it. I will not play moderator just to have them bitching about each other on my birthday.

No... I'm going to stay with my dad in the hospital. It will make him feel bad because he will think that he's keeping me from a good time, but I don't think any time will be good until hes better. It would make him sad if I weren't there too. Another lose-lose, but I've made my decision.

I just got home from staying 3 days with him, and I think I'll go back tomorrow.

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Okay, okay! I'm doing it. I'm updating. I feel all of your digital eyes on me. The pressure is intense.

June, I think, 9th, was when my dad originally got admitted to Broward General. After about a week of bone marrow byopsies and blood transfusions and blood tests and the like, he was diagnosed with leukemia. Very strange, though, for he is neither the appropriate age for such to show up randomly (it generally shows if you're very young or very old; my father, in his very healthy early 40s, was not a likely candidate), nor were his platelets low-- actually, they were rather high. Which is strange because leukemia attacks red and white blood cells and platelets. Puzzling indeed, but still he was diagnosed with AML, acute myeloid leukemia.

So, we were kind of lucky, because that was one of the lesser forms of it; anywho, he needed to start chemo. However, he had no insurance and that is not his district hospital, so Broward General became money obsessed and would not treat him and skipped steps in order to get him stable enough to be discharged. That he was, and admitted into Memorial, district hospital.

Then he restarted the process. Sure, Memorial had all of Broward General's test results and such, but they wanted to get the results themselves. They repeated his previous week of bone marrow byopsies and blood tests, only this time in a much more efficient manner. He was brought downstairs and recieved scans to find the perfect place to draw bone marrow from, and this time he was sedated. At BG, they just drove a needle into his bone and nothing more-- he described the pain as, preferring to get hit with a truck. A couple days of such related processes and, he was on chemo.

Well, now, it's been a week since he's been off chemo. The side effects weren't that bad to him, only his stomach, though that was really bad considering he said he would rather get his entire body tattoo'd. He just started losing his hair. Now in remission, we all thought the only thing left was to heal and then he could come home.

Complications. Apparently he got some sort of infection that slightly tore his heart valve, and the doctors are talking about moving him to a heart-specialized hospital. Nothing is for sure, but the ideas have been put on the table. Nothing can be done now, however, because he has no immunity so putting him under the knife could mean fatality.

If everything goes perfectly from now forward, he should be able to come home by the first week of August. But if things continue to go wrong.. who knows when it could be.

When he comes home I'm going to move back in with him. That's already been decided. My sister needs to go to college.

I have been staying entirely optimistic, but now.. I don't know, everything seems to be falling apart.

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